Friday, March 29, 2013
Some interesting things emerged. For example, how much social workers plagiarise from the paperwork they ask you for. Well, plagiarised isn't exactly the right word. Some of it they tell you will be included. Some of it they paraphrase.
Some we had forgotten - particularly around the thorny subject of birth dad. We had discussed getting OHP to try and contact him on his last known number/address and find out if he was willing to try and complete the medical information again, and see if he's open to contact. Mr Spouse is not keen on that and has not been made more keen by any new information.
Looking back at the old notes from our old social worker has, I think, changed my mind on the contact. Although the social worker did mention photos and letters to him, we now know that he has, all along, had a very good way to get in touch with the agency and, indeed, us should we have wished. And he hasn't used it. I guess we were thinking he only had expired cell phone numbers for a social worker who doesn't do that job any more, and for Nella, but he doesn't. He could have asked for contact, and he hasn't.
My worry if OHP try to contact him is that the details will be out of date and it will be pointless. But Mr Spouse's worry is rather the opposite - that he will behave aggressively to us or Nella, as he did when contacted by the social worker before. I'm not sure that is a huge risk if he was only contacted by a third party to ask to fill in a form that he had already said he would do. But now it seems he didn't say he'd do it, and he could easily have been in touch with the agency, but wasn't.
I haven't totally changed my mind about hoping we'll get medical information, but the notes also seem to say that he did not even say he would fill this form in, but then lost it. And reading between the lines, it has jogged my memory that the social worker was not completely convinced this was the only possible birth father. So, if we did get the information, it could be worse than useless.
So, and apologies for rambling, but where this leaves us is, I suppose, in kind of the same position as a parent whose child's other biological parent has walked out. I could, if I was feeling unhelpful, ask one of OHP's social workers to pursue the medical information unilaterally. But I think it's better that we are on the same page.
Friday, March 22, 2013
You may remember from last year that Nice Little Agency had some serious problems last year. Some fairly important pieces of paper got lost.
We got a very random phone call tonight (from Official Hague Person's office) to say that some lost adoption paperwork has been found. They are sending it to us.
All 600 pages of it.
There are definitely some things we want, and apparently there IS some birth father information.
We also suspect there may be some things we probably shouldn't see. We won't tell if you won't.
We adore his nursery, which is at my workplace, but we are slightly wondering if we shouldn't investigate other childcare options. At his current nursery he moves rooms - and hence carers - once a year at the moment, so he can't have the same carer indefinitely anyway. One of the immediate reasons we are thinking about this is the illness issue. Everyone says babies in nurseries get sicker, and if he has a propensity to being seriously ill when other babies would just get snotty, we are wondering if a smaller setting (childminders here would have maybe 3-5 children, and if they had a higher number most would be older) wouldn't help with this.
The other issue is the location of the nursery - there is another one very near our house and hence near the station Mr Spouse commutes from - currently he can't do a full day's work and pick up Baby Spouse but a different arrangement would mean he could pick up sometimes. I know he misses doing this, too.
As always there's an added adoption layer to this. It's not a huge layer, I have to say, as we did tell his existing nursery that he was adopted but they have not asked any questions (certainly not the concentrated level of questioning we got in the hospital!). We know that in any of these places he'd be with children who would be in his class at primary school, so it's something that will be permanently out there. And although the nursery staff seem to be very sensitive we can't guarantee that everyone will be like that. Again, the hospital staff seem to be rather surprised to the point of nosiness!
It's hard to get the balance right. We have a few minor concerns about his development, which, especially with my professional hat on, I know are OK, but it's hard to get some people to take them seriously without disclosing probably more than we want to unless we have to. To them he is a normal, happy boy with a past that can be forgotten. But others see the situation as so unusual and shocking that they want to know all about it. And we don't want that either.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
He has a chest infection and either the antibiotics, or the steroids, or the inhaler/nebuliser, or all of those, have helped. He had to have more oxygen last night but I slept, and so did he, and tonight Mr Spouse gets to sleep on the hospital bed. He should be home tomorrow.
We are anxious, but he is doing a lot better, and I think we're more shocked that we weren't even going to take him in, and the hospital thought he would be OK at home but kept him in to be on the safe side.
I've explained to what seems like 25 million people about his adoption, what age he was when placed, to about half of them where he came from, and to one doctor (who did ask "do you mind") why we chose to adopt from the US not the UK. I explained that the same kinds of children need adopting in both countries, but the system allows for birth parents to choose not to allow their child to go into foster care, but can have a say in who adopts their child, in the US. I did not say (as I was not asked, but I did say this to a friend) that they do it that way "because it's sensible to do it that way". I am very aware that there are ethical issues around this, and that the US foster care system is probably at least as broken as the UK system, but something needs to change for babies in the UK.
This whole serious illness is a big thing to get your head round, though, and it's left me at least thinking about other parts of his/our lives (especially childcare). I'll try and keep you posted.